Monday, April 20, 2015

Drunk Psychic

There are a lot of types of drunks and it's always interesting to learn about which side comes out when you're drinking with new friends - or strangers - for the first time. An exaggeration on one aspect of someone's personality takes over like a caricature of the parts they usually mask better with self-awareness and pre-frontal cortex filtering. Kinda like the Oscar-worthy 1996 Michael Keaton performance in Multiplicity where you can hope your husband drunkenly transforms into a Rico clone who loves to cook and clean, but you usually end up babysitting a Lenny...

I've seen them all and obviously some are better than others. I have zero tolerance for the aggressive bar fighters, blatant assholes and cheaters; I get mildly annoyed by the criers and the disappearing acts (both of which I'm guilty of...sorry, Battles!); but I generally enjoy hanging out with the flirts, the gigglers, the dancing queens, the frisky ones, and...the psychics!

On one such encounter, I was driving around Uptown when I got a ding from Kate. I pulled up to see a solo female hanging outside a common party bar and, as I've mentioned before, she was super grateful to see a female Uber in her especially inebriated state. 

"Oh my Gawwwwd, THANK you for picking me up! I owe you like SO much," she dramatically declared as drunk twenty-something girls tend to do, "Oh I know! I'll tell you your future! I'm, like, a psychic you know."

"Oh wow," I said with feigned amazement, "yeah I'd love to hear about it! What do you need to know from me?"

"Nothing - I already know....." pause for effect... "EVERYTHING! Like get this: I know that YOU have kids and dog."

"Did you get that from the stuffed animals in the hatchback and stray doghairs on the seats?" I said assuming that we were both in on the joke now that she's not really a psychic.

"No," she said clearly offended, "I TOLD you, I'm a psychic, so I just know. Do you want to hear your future or not?"

"Sorry, go on," I said a little embarrassed even though I knew I was still more right and more sober and had no reason to feel like a jerk for calling her out.

"OK, you're in a crossroads of your life. You don't know which road to take," Wow, I thought, this was getting deep and insightful to the impending divorce and career decisions I had to make, maybe she's onto something! "But lucky for you, no matter what path you choose, you will be really happy....but it will be kinda tough, too, sometimes." Oh, thanks, I mean, I know psychic advice is generally vague, but this was a new low just when I was getting my hopes up. 

My disappointment must have been palpable because she didn't attempt any more predictions in the two minutes left to her house. So we drove in silence - me considering how much I didn't know I would have appreciated a real psychic in that moment, and her probably trying to keep from puking as she was coming down from fun drunk to sleepy drunk. 

But I guess she was right - I DO have kids and a dog, I WILL be really happy, and life IS kinda tough, too, sometimes :)

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